winter blahs.

i feel really depressed and i don't know why. i hate this feeling but i go through it every winter. i call it...'the winter blahs.' it's always dark outside, its super cold, school is just boring, and i just never want to do anything. i'm struggling in a lot of areas, i feel like i'm doing everything right yet i'm just not happy. i know this isn't a very uplifting blogpost but it's one of vulnerability. i'm struggling and could use pray. i'm trying my best to be positive and take joy in the small happenings of every day life but i'm sick of pretending that everything is ok and that i'm rainbows and unicorns all the time. so this is me being honest and asking for prayer. thanks. five more weeks until spring:)

glow in the dark.

i'm depressed. i'm mad. and i feel useless.

for the last few days, i've found myself down in the dumps, now i'm sure one of these reason is a lack of sleep but the more prominent reason is because i feel so useless.

i see all this sin all over this place and i'm sick of it. i want it to go away, i want people to be saved-truely saved. just in the last week i've heard my own peers and friends talk about drugs and alcohol. sex and teen pregnancy. suicide and cussing just for the fun of it.

what the heck is with these people?

do they not understand?

a three year old died last night of strep throat, two people died in a fire last night, two nineteen year olds were shot this last weekend, i know a sixteen year old who's pregnant with twins, i know a seventeen year old who gets high every day. there are earthquakes in haiti and tsunamis in japan. there are prostitutes on every corner in bari, italy. there are teens at blackhawk christian school that have sex and drink on the weekends and then come to school acting like they have never sinned before and are perfect. what is going on in this world?

it breaks my heart. i think as i'm getting older and maturing seemingly faster than a lot of people, i'm slowly realizing what's important in life. i'm looking at my friends and peers, i'm watching the news and listening to the radio, and what do i see? i see sin. everywhere. i see lost people begging to be found. i see 'christians' living quite the opposite as they should.

i want to help people, but i need to help myself first. though i'm never going to be perfect.

i really want to go on a mission trip this summer but i feel like there is so much hurt and need in the world around me that i shouldn't leave home. i need to minister here.

i recently listened to a sermon about glowing in the dark. it defiantly hit home. the pastor talked about how so many people don't care. they think they can just slide by doing the bare minimum. and even though we feel like we can't do anything to help, we need to be a glowstick. we can't give up. we need to glow in the dark.

life motive's.

i spoke in chapel today. it was frusterating because i had six minutes to tell three hundred what's on my heart. i want to see change. i want to see a revival. im sick of seeing the same kids everyday and not seeing them grow in their faith. i'm guilty of this too, just because we go to a christian school doesnt mean we are christians. just because we sit through bible class everyday doesnt mean love god. sure, we might know the answers to the questions on our bible test but do we know what god has called us to do? he's called us to be missionaries.
we don't have to go to italy or africa to speak the word of god. we say, 'i'm going on a mission trip next summer.' well guess what? you're on one right now. our lives our mission trips.
john 3:30-he must become greater. i must become less.
we need to have this motive that in everything we do we are to bring glory to god and share the love of jesus to others. whether we are at school, at work or hanging with friends. there are hurting people everywhere you see.
just because i've been to italy doesn't mean i have magic words to say. we all know the answers. we all know the great commission. we know what we were called to do. get off your lazy butts and do. get out of your comfort zone. we all know the truth and if you know the truth you should want to share it. now just go do it.

better than i deserve.

we often get asked the question, 'how are you?' and we usually always answer the same way.

'oh i'm fine.'

'i'm ok.'

'ugh.'

sometimes we don't even respond.

i recently asked someone how they were doing (expecting to get a typical answer) and he said..

'better than i deserve.'

wow.

that's convicting. it got me thinking, it doesn't matter if i'm having a great day, or a horrible day. if i'm happy or sad. if i'm having the best day of my life, or a day that seems like it's from hell. no matter what, I'M BETTER THAN I DESERVE. we deserve death. yet christ has given us life. no matter what's going on in your life today, remember that you are better than you deserve.

stupid stupid sin.

sin. i hate it's everywhere. from gossiping to cheating to lying to lusting. we're all sinful. from day one. as soon as we come out of our mother's womb...BOOM. we're sinful. wow. it's kind of hard to fathom sometimes. we all struggle with it. and my heart hurts. my heart longs to be like jesus but so often i mess up. i'm a sheep gone astray. but i want to come back. but when i come back, i just fall again. the new living translation of romans 7:15 says, 'I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.' paul is right on. he's such a smart man. i want to strive to do what is right. stay away from sin. far from it. but i'm human and have a sinful nature. dang it. lord draw me near to you, help me not forgot what you've done for me. keep me strong and firm in my faith.

travels.

ive finally realized why i want to leave the country so bad. i want so badly to get away, i want to see what other people are struggling with. i want so desperately to help. i am willing and longing to travel across the world so i can step inside of someones elses story and live life in their shoes. i cant stop thinking about it, its in all my dreams. i want to travel so bad and see what it's like thousands of miles away from me. i wish i had the a billion trillion dollars so i could travel :) lord help me to be content whatever the circumstances.

italia journal entry 3

day 5 7/27

im so tired, i've had hardly no sleep and my infection is coming back. lord i dont understand everything you do. help me trust you and know that you can heal me, ive been sick for so long - help me find my strength in you. i didnt think i would be but im extremly homesick. got you are the almighty comforter, please wrap your arms around me and comfort me. protect my family at home, keep them safe.

it's absolutely beautiful here. mountains reach to the clouds and cities are nestled into the mountains. flowers of every color are everywhere you look. its the perfect temperature and whie laundry is hanging off every building. the people at the church are so happy and inviting. the men are true gentlemen and woman are beautiful. the people are friendly but look like they are hurting inside. the bugs here are much bigger than the ones at home. there a very odd smell here and milk tastes like cheese. the pasta is delicious and the jam is so sweet and tasty.

god we traveled so far and for so long to get here. you have us here for a reason. help me be a light to the people here. teach me your ways o lord! use me . change me. empower me. i wanna fall more in love with you.