glow in the dark.

i'm depressed. i'm mad. and i feel useless.

for the last few days, i've found myself down in the dumps, now i'm sure one of these reason is a lack of sleep but the more prominent reason is because i feel so useless.

i see all this sin all over this place and i'm sick of it. i want it to go away, i want people to be saved-truely saved. just in the last week i've heard my own peers and friends talk about drugs and alcohol. sex and teen pregnancy. suicide and cussing just for the fun of it.

what the heck is with these people?

do they not understand?

a three year old died last night of strep throat, two people died in a fire last night, two nineteen year olds were shot this last weekend, i know a sixteen year old who's pregnant with twins, i know a seventeen year old who gets high every day. there are earthquakes in haiti and tsunamis in japan. there are prostitutes on every corner in bari, italy. there are teens at blackhawk christian school that have sex and drink on the weekends and then come to school acting like they have never sinned before and are perfect. what is going on in this world?

it breaks my heart. i think as i'm getting older and maturing seemingly faster than a lot of people, i'm slowly realizing what's important in life. i'm looking at my friends and peers, i'm watching the news and listening to the radio, and what do i see? i see sin. everywhere. i see lost people begging to be found. i see 'christians' living quite the opposite as they should.

i want to help people, but i need to help myself first. though i'm never going to be perfect.

i really want to go on a mission trip this summer but i feel like there is so much hurt and need in the world around me that i shouldn't leave home. i need to minister here.

i recently listened to a sermon about glowing in the dark. it defiantly hit home. the pastor talked about how so many people don't care. they think they can just slide by doing the bare minimum. and even though we feel like we can't do anything to help, we need to be a glowstick. we can't give up. we need to glow in the dark.

life motive's.

i spoke in chapel today. it was frusterating because i had six minutes to tell three hundred what's on my heart. i want to see change. i want to see a revival. im sick of seeing the same kids everyday and not seeing them grow in their faith. i'm guilty of this too, just because we go to a christian school doesnt mean we are christians. just because we sit through bible class everyday doesnt mean love god. sure, we might know the answers to the questions on our bible test but do we know what god has called us to do? he's called us to be missionaries.
we don't have to go to italy or africa to speak the word of god. we say, 'i'm going on a mission trip next summer.' well guess what? you're on one right now. our lives our mission trips.
john 3:30-he must become greater. i must become less.
we need to have this motive that in everything we do we are to bring glory to god and share the love of jesus to others. whether we are at school, at work or hanging with friends. there are hurting people everywhere you see.
just because i've been to italy doesn't mean i have magic words to say. we all know the answers. we all know the great commission. we know what we were called to do. get off your lazy butts and do. get out of your comfort zone. we all know the truth and if you know the truth you should want to share it. now just go do it.

better than i deserve.

we often get asked the question, 'how are you?' and we usually always answer the same way.

'oh i'm fine.'

'i'm ok.'

'ugh.'

sometimes we don't even respond.

i recently asked someone how they were doing (expecting to get a typical answer) and he said..

'better than i deserve.'

wow.

that's convicting. it got me thinking, it doesn't matter if i'm having a great day, or a horrible day. if i'm happy or sad. if i'm having the best day of my life, or a day that seems like it's from hell. no matter what, I'M BETTER THAN I DESERVE. we deserve death. yet christ has given us life. no matter what's going on in your life today, remember that you are better than you deserve.

stupid stupid sin.

sin. i hate it's everywhere. from gossiping to cheating to lying to lusting. we're all sinful. from day one. as soon as we come out of our mother's womb...BOOM. we're sinful. wow. it's kind of hard to fathom sometimes. we all struggle with it. and my heart hurts. my heart longs to be like jesus but so often i mess up. i'm a sheep gone astray. but i want to come back. but when i come back, i just fall again. the new living translation of romans 7:15 says, 'I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.' paul is right on. he's such a smart man. i want to strive to do what is right. stay away from sin. far from it. but i'm human and have a sinful nature. dang it. lord draw me near to you, help me not forgot what you've done for me. keep me strong and firm in my faith.

travels.

ive finally realized why i want to leave the country so bad. i want so badly to get away, i want to see what other people are struggling with. i want so desperately to help. i am willing and longing to travel across the world so i can step inside of someones elses story and live life in their shoes. i cant stop thinking about it, its in all my dreams. i want to travel so bad and see what it's like thousands of miles away from me. i wish i had the a billion trillion dollars so i could travel :) lord help me to be content whatever the circumstances.

italia journal entry 3

day 5 7/27

im so tired, i've had hardly no sleep and my infection is coming back. lord i dont understand everything you do. help me trust you and know that you can heal me, ive been sick for so long - help me find my strength in you. i didnt think i would be but im extremly homesick. got you are the almighty comforter, please wrap your arms around me and comfort me. protect my family at home, keep them safe.

it's absolutely beautiful here. mountains reach to the clouds and cities are nestled into the mountains. flowers of every color are everywhere you look. its the perfect temperature and whie laundry is hanging off every building. the people at the church are so happy and inviting. the men are true gentlemen and woman are beautiful. the people are friendly but look like they are hurting inside. the bugs here are much bigger than the ones at home. there a very odd smell here and milk tastes like cheese. the pasta is delicious and the jam is so sweet and tasty.

god we traveled so far and for so long to get here. you have us here for a reason. help me be a light to the people here. teach me your ways o lord! use me . change me. empower me. i wanna fall more in love with you.

italia journal entry 2

day 3 7/25

as i walked out of service last night, there were hundreds of tiki torches spread out around campus. there was loud booming native music and crosses set up around the field. each country gathered around their designated crosses and prayed in their small groups. i dont think i've ever had so many people praying for me specifically. it was so powerful and moving that i burst out in tears. i cant explain the feeling but i truely felt the presence of god. knowing that people who i barely knew cared about me was an overwhelming feeling. following the time of prayer, i was so excited because i thought i could finally shower and go to bed. instead of getting ready for bed i was told we had to practice our drama for two more hours! it was already 11pm and we had barely slept the night before. it was a big struggle for me not to complain. i was weak, thirsty, hot, and didn't feel good. i believe god used those tough experiences to make me stronger both mentally and spiritually. i so badly wanted to go home and asked myself it was really worth it. but i knew god was with me.

italia journal entry 1

italy was such an amazing experience. i wish i could share everything that happened with everybody, show everyone everything i saw, and express to everyone the feelings i felt. but im not silly, and i know i cant do that. so what i decided to do is share with you some of my journal entries. they may be boring or not make much sense but i means something to me. happy reading!

day 2 7/24

this is not what i was expecting at all. after waiting in the airport for over three hours and the long rickety bus ride to garden valley i was greeted by several people cheering for me. i certainly felt welcomed. though it is so so so hot here and there are several different types of people, we are all here for one reason: you.

god this is the oddest thing i've ever done. i feel like i dont belong here, im such a sinner. i go against your word everyda. lord im tired, ive barely slept the last two days. give me enery. help me be alive in you. my body is full of infection i feel like im withering away but lord you are MY HEALER! heal my body, help it not be a distraction. i dont want to just pray a prayer, i want to dance with you-just you and me. my heart yearns for you. im so lost and broken. change me. consume me. teach me.

lord why am i here?

im uncomfortable and feel so small but i know you have me here for a reason. you're molding me into the person you want me to become. you're asking me to step out of my comfort zone and this is WAY out of it. i've already felt like giving up but i know you want me here. you've provided a way for me to get your, you're with me right now. help me feel your presence, keep my mind off home and focused on you. save me lord. humble my heart.

banquet.

happy:)

do overs

im sorry i wasnt a better friend to you. i ignored you when you stepped into my geometry class last year. not even a friendly 'hi.' the first thing i thought was, 'wow she's wearing too much make-up. this is high school not a beauty pagent.' i shouldn't have judged, i didn't know anything about you. you sat alone at the lunch table-i sat at a table full of people. i could've given up one day...but i didn't. as the year went on, you got involved with the wrong crowd, i saw it coming. i should've done something. but i didn't. i stood back with everyone else and watched you get steered off the right road. we all make bad decisions, i do everyday. you made a bad one that got you punished far worse than i've ever been punished yet my sins of ignoring you, judging you, and not warning you are the same as your sin. but i didn't get sent away. i'm sorry. it isn't right. i wish we could go back to the first day you came-but life's life with no do overs. i think of you and pray for you often. i hope you can forgive me and that i can see you again soon.

sometimes i feel like im walking down the halls naked.

this may sound weird, but its true. sometimes when i walk from class to class i think to myself, 'did i forget to put on pants today??' thank goodness that hasnt happend..yet. my school is so small that everyone knows everyone or at least of everyone. that can be a good thing at times but a bad thing too. i get some pretty weird looks sometimes, i dont know whats going on in peoples minds when they look at me but i honestly don't care. i'm going to be myself no matter what people think. and maybe one of these days i will forget my pants....it's those little smiles that keep ya going when the school years dragging on:)

coffee.

i absolutely love coffee. im addicted to it. none of the fluffy and creaming stuff-plain black coffee. i love the smell it, the taste of it, everying. anyway this week in bible class we gave presentations and one of my friends gave hers on coffee. i'm stealing this analogy from her so dont give me the credit! a lot of people don't like coffee because of its bitterness but after awhile that same bitterness is something we crave. something we want everyday and if we dont get our coffee then there's something missing. we become addicted to it. that's just like sin. at first we don't want to sin, we may even laugh at the others that are sinning yet once we take that second and third sip of the sin it starts to taste good. and slowly we crave the sin-just like coffee. but then there are those that put all the fancy creamers into their coffee. what does the creamer do? it takes away the bitterness leaving a sweet and satisfying taste. the creamer represents god, he comes into our lives overpowering the sin. the bitterness. the addictions. he gives us a new flavor. like i said before i didn't come up with this, (alexis did) i just thought it was cool. alright well im gonna go make some coffee....

the little old lady in borders

our borders is closing and so i decided to go walk around (which is pointless to do if you don't know what you want..but that's besides the point) anyway while i was aimlessly searching the picked over shelves i decided to check out the bathroom (i always look at the bathrooms wherever i go...yes i know-curiosity killed the cat) as soon as i walked in i was welcomed by a little old lady sitting in a chair in the corner. my first thought was 'why the heck is there a lady in here and why is she saying hi to me?' my second thought was 'maybe she's just waiting for somebody.' but as soon as i saw that all the stalls were empty i resorted to 'she must just be a crazy old lady.' while as i was fixing my hair in the mirror this lady continued to carry on a conversation with me and then quickly finished my hair and left the bathroom. i couldn't stop thinking about her as i finished walking around the store. i didn't see her again but as i was walking out to my car, i saw a bike that had a backpack hanging on it. i then realized that the 'crazy old lady' was homeless. my heart dropped and i felt so bad for being rude and short with her. i couldve been the only jesus she will ever see yet i didn't give her the time of day. i prayed for her all the way home.

a week worth of fun. i really love my friends.

colors.

i've took private art lessons for five years so i think it's safe to say i'm an artist. no i don't paint everyday-in fact i havn't painted in awhile, but as an artist i tend to see things from a different point of view. i tend to notice things others don't as well as fantasize about things being different than how they are. i see art in more than just paintings or sketches, i see art in the way chemicals combine in chemistry, the way words flow so smoothly in a love letter, and the way my cat licks himself every night before he goes to bed. there's an art to everything. i came across this quote last night and wanted to post it, i thought it was very thought provoking. it reminds me that there is art everywhere we look. it's from The Book Thief:

'People observe the colors of the day only at its beginning and ends, but to me it's quite clear that a day merges through a multitue of shades and intonations, with each passing moment. A single houre cna consist of thousands of different colors. Waxy yellows, cloud-spat blues. Murky darknesses. In my line of work, I make it a point to notice them.'

fantasy?

my friends just introduced me to gilmore girls. yes i know it's been around for awhile but i just discovered it so it's new to me. i watch it all the time. it sucks me in and i find myself thinking about it often. i mean who wouldn't like a show about a perfect mother-daughter relationship, boys, school, and coffee?

well i've come to find out that this show doesn't just draw me in because it's funny and a good way to procrastinate from doing chemistry, but it draws me in because it's the life that i want.

sometimes i wish i was walking down the streets of stars hollow with lorelai and rory, or drinking coffee everyday at luke's. but then the screen goes blank and the credits come on. the show's over and i'm back to reality. i'm back to the freezing cold blizzard going on right outside my window. i'm back to my life, and though sometimes i wish i was about of the gilmore's life, i'm thankful for mine. i'm thankful for my friends, my family, and of course my cat. i'm thankful for my town and for starbucks. though sometimes it's nice to escape reality and jump into the gilmore world-i'm happy exactly where i am.

hope.

Italy.

A country full of cobblestone streets, art galleries, and statues.

Famous for coliseum, leaning tower of pisa, and cathedrals.

The hot spot for honeymoons, overseas studying, and tourists.

Numerous boutiques, fashion schools, and magazines.

Delicious spaghetti, gelato, and pizza.

A country surrounded in sin, hopelessness, and false teachings.

O how selfish I am. I spend so much time focusing on myself. How I look, my status on facebook, what I'm doing this weekend, how much money I'm making...yet I fail to acknowledge those around me. The hurting. The broken. The lonely. The lost. Bari, Italy is a city full of all of these. My heart goes out to this country, I can't get the people off my mind. They need change. They need to hear the work of Christ. When I used to think of a mission trip, I thought a poverty stricken jungle or desert. Yet when I heard of the trip to Italy, it was like my hands were glued to the keyboard until I applied for the trip. Italy needs a second chance. An awakening. Hope. A savior.